The following is a transcript of a talk I gave at the Global Confidence Conference on Friday, March 10, 2023.
Having confidence reminds me of having a meal.
I’ll share what I mean in a minute, but I want to start with a quote:
“Your success will be determined by your own confidence and fortitude.” – Michelle Obama
We are all here because we value confidence.
We know what it looks like:
• Being your best under stress.
• Influencing others.
• Having leadership and executive presence.
• Exuding a positive attitude.
• Feeling valued.
• Rising to the top.
• Being sexy.
• Experiencing courage with less anxiety.
• Having energy and motivation to take action.
So why do we have such a hard time actually FEELing confident, day by day?
Do you want to know what I’ve learned about confidence?
It happens wayyyyyy quicker and easier when you’re NOT trying to do it.
In my world, the world of radical self acceptance, confidence is a byproduct, not the goal.
What’s a byproduct?
A byproduct is a secondary product made in the manufacture or synthesis of something else. It comes with the process. Kind of like when you eat a meal, a byproduct is dirty dishes. You don’t look to make dirty dishes, they result from the eating of the meal.
So what process is confidence a byproduct of?
It’s a byproduct of the process I call radical self-acceptance.
When we consistently accept ourselves EXACTLY AS WE ARE, without needing to change a single thing about ourselves, then we are far more likely to experience behaviors and feelings that we would outwardly identify as signs of “confidence”, like we listed at the outset.
This is not to say that I think it’s bad to have confidence as a goal.
Sometimes it’s the best thing.
If I have stage fright but want to get my message out to millions, of course, building confidence could be a goal of mine so that I could reach my impact goals more easily.
AND, I find, oddly enough, that often the notion that confidence is required for a greater quality of life is often paradoxical.
On one side of the paradox, changes in our behaviors, thoughts and emotions can absolutely affect our quality of life.
On the other side, when we REQUIRE such changes of ourselves, as is a quite popular notion in our society, we can actually do ourselves a significant amount of harm.
Well, the message that increasing confidence is required of us inherently also carries the message that there is something not ok with us currently.
Upon this latter message is built an entire infrastructure of control mechanisms designed to ‘motivate’ us to do ‘better’, whether consciously chosen or not.
Ahhh, what would the world be without a good old healthy serving of shame dished up regularly for us in every aspect of life?
But shouldn’t we want to improve our confidence?
Yes, AND I would be VERY clear to frame that position:
Strive to improve only what you genuinely want to improve. Not because you feel you HAVE to in order to enjoy [fill in the blank].
Back to our example, what if you put effort into improving your confidence as YOU define improving, not as someone else does?
Maybe that means just being more confident in your copywriting to get your message across, while accepting that your stagefright is real, valid and present right now. Is it ok to honor that?
What would getting curious about your inner conflict about your confidence change for you?
Radical self-acceptance simply means that change in ANY form, including confidence, is NOT the goal.
There are always multiple paths to any desired destination.
And, if this sparks your curiosity, please consider joining me in our free community masterclass where I walk through each step of our signature process, The Path of Radical Self-Acceptance, step-by-step. For FREE.
A year from now, just taking in and applying the principles in these FREE masterclasses, your life will be UNRECOGNIZABLE. Get in on this.
Please comment “IN” for the link to join the community for the next masterclass.
#confidence #radicalselfacceptance #leadershipdevelopment #globalconfidenceconference #globalvillagecampus #therealdeboraha
Text: “Confidence is the byproduct, not the goal.”